


The Secret Deal

by ric122 (orphan_account)



Category: South Park
Genre: F/M, Secret Crush, Secret Identity, Secret Relationship, Stalking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-10-27 01:45:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10799130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/ric122
Summary: Lindsay Cartman makes a deal with Kendall McCormick that will involve her getting something that will make her closer to the one she truly loves and Ken finally gets a date with malory, but it won't come cheap.





	1. Chapter 1

**ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS FANFICTION-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. by ric122**

"Pst!" came the voice again, loud and insistent. Lindsay swished her eyes around behind her, scanning the area for any interlopers. She knew that voice. It was him. Her odd, little, demented friend.

Lindsay gave one last look around the streets of South Park. There was no lurking around the front side of Sally's Donuts and so she stopped, hands fisted at her side and posture slumped forward, for the one she anticipated to show himself. Sure enough, as she waited patiently, a messy-cropped of blonde hair was lifted above its hiding place behind the dumpster at the entrance to the alley. Kendall Ken McCormick known in their class as Ken for short, crept halfway out from behind the dumpster to hiss insistently again.

"Psst!" the boy said before holding a crooked finger out. He wiggled it with the motion to come nearer. With her eyes wide with a grave expression, Lindsay wandered nearer.

"I've got the goods," Ken whisper. "I've procured the 'item' you asked for. At no insignificant risk. So, do you have, 'the garment'?"

"Yup," Lindsay said to her odd, twisted freak friend. "We trade off at class, 2 o'clock sharp. Deal?"

"Deal!" said Ken with an insane grin before disappearing behind the dumpster again. Lindsay lifted her eyes up to the heavens and shrugged. "Sheesh. Man, Ken is even perverted and stranger than I am. Sometimes I feel guilty for encouraging him. But who am I to judge?" Lindsay asked herself as she strolled down the street towards Vine Street to go pester Samuel.

Saturday was ballet practice for Lindsay. But no one was supposed to know that. Ever. Or else they'd have to die. Or at least have the stuffing beat out of them for exposing her secret. No, no one was ever supposed to know that Lindsay had a soft and delicate feminine side that actually enjoyed dancing despite the tutus that revealed her legs and stuck out at bizarre angles and forced her to wear tights that made her skin a strange shade of pink. No one was supposed to know that Ken took ballet lessons, either, or that the two classes sometimes mixed to put on actual productions. No one especially was to know that Ken sometimes lifted up Lindsay to do flying spins to the sound of Versailles music. So it was that the two disparate individuals, Ken and Lindsay, had sworn and kept to an absolute sacred pact. Never should the two speak much when outside ballet class. Never should the two be seen going together to ballet class. Never should the two reveal that either of them attended ballet class. This was their sacred oath.

Over the years their secret had leaked out by centimeters. Luke had taken photographs of Lindsay in her ballet uniform, unbeknownst to her. Kelsey had discovered this transgression and so Lindsay had stuffed Luke in a locker for punishment. Levin had forced Ken to confess once to prove he wasn't the one guilty of Stealing a alligator stuffed with money named Wally. Then there was Marge Scotch, that blonde hair horribly goodie-two-shoes who moved into town much to Lindsay's dual delight and agony. Marge was in the introductory classes and had taken especial note that Ken and Lindsay were both in the more advanced classes of Madame Rouge's Dance Academy. But she hadn't spread that knowledge wide and far.

No, even, if some of their classmates had already found out, Lindsay and Ken continued to keep their dance class attendances a closely guarded secret. As was habit, Lindsay went to great lengths NOT to be seen with Ken. So on this day, she put on a pair of wide sunglasses and walked four blocks over to take a bus past Madame Rouge's Dance Academy for Boys and Girls. Then she took a bus back in the opposite direction. Lindsay shifted her sunglasses down from her face a wee bit and glanced in either direction to make sure no one was watching from across the street before entering the building.

"Whew!" said Lindsay making her way to the locker room. She donned a ballet costume for practice and secured her dance slippers to her toes by their long lacings. Then she tested them out a bit, lifting herself to her toes and staying there for a few moments before lowering the whole flat of her feet to the floor again. Then, her eyebrow lowered, she went to find Ken.

""Lindsay. Babe!" said Ken greeting her with a maniac grin. Lindsay rolled her eyes upward. Still hunched forward, she shoved a nightdress in his direction.

"Oooo," said Ken drooling over the garment. "Awesome! Almost as savory as my girl, Malory!" He stroked the gown with longing.

"Yeah, yeah," said Lindsay bored. "So do you have what I asked for? Months ago?"

"Here!" said Ken pausing long enough in his admiration to slap a stinky white T-shirt in Lindsay's direction. Lindsay gathered it up in her arms almost as if there was a boy in it. Then with a dreamy sigh, she lifted the shirt up to her nose to take a deep whiff of it. A euphoric expression passed across her face.

"What?!" she demanded of Ken as the boy wordlessly watched her deep wuff. "So I have a sweat fetish. So what of it?!"

"Nothing, friend. No need to raise your voice," said Ken bowing gracefully. "I was just wondering what job you would like me to do. For our next trade that is."

"Well," said Lindsay looking awkward suddenly. "About that. You know how, Ken, for years I've been cutting the labels off Malory's clothes or pinching her hairbrushes for you?" said Lindsay curling a hand around Ken's shoulder. "Well, it's always been for something in trade. Something of Samuel's. A gym sock. An old piece of geography homework. A brown paper bag made into a book cover with multiplication written inside the front cover. A very hard to reach T-shirt," said Lindsay lifting up the shirt. "You've helped me, loads Ken. We've helped each other lots. But I just don't think I want to- need to- collect things to build my shrines with much anymore. Ken, he saw my shrine. Sam SAW my shrine I built to him."

"What?!" Ken gasped before biting his lip. Transfixed, he waited for Lindsay to continue her story.

"I thought it was the end of the world. I mean, a shrine in a closet?!" said Lindsay waving her arms around. "I'm a total fruit basket! I've always needed those things to comfort me and make me feel nearer to him. But it's not the same anymore. Somehow the same things that have always felt comforting to me feel hollow. Empty. So I've decided not to build shrines anymore. Except little ones, maybe. I'm mostly doing picture collages now. But," said Lindsay, a dreamy expression growing across her face, "I'm not sad. I'm spending a lot of time with the real deal now. So for once, there isn't anything that I want you to collect on my behalf. But I've been thinking. Since you've been such a good, dear partner in crime of mine, our dear, demented Ken, I should help you out! I want to make it so you get a chance to get close to your crush so you won't need to sleep with a locket of hair under your pillow anymore, or glue dry macaroni on your bedroom wall in the shape of Lily's likeness. I'm talking about setting you up with a real date with Malory Coles herself."

"A date?!" Ken exclaimed. Lindsay could practically see the heat coming out of his nostrils at the enticing thought. "Is such a thing possible? What's your angle?"

"Like I said, we're friends, aren't we?" Lindsay purred smugly. "Call it gratitude for keeping our mutual secrets, secret. I'll set things up real good. I'll bring Malory Coles to the Green acres mall in South Park for an afternoon outing with you, so that you may taste a bit of bliss. But it isn't going to be cheap. If you want this thing to work, you're going to have to bring money. Lots of money for the 'girl' to spend. Like five hundred dollars," said Lindsay letting the number drop.

"Five hundred?" Ken repeated with distaste. "That's five months of allowance. But anything for Malory Coles."

"Exactly," said Lindsay straightening her spine up to stand properly instead of hunching over Ken. "You've got to show Malory Coles that you've got the money. That way, she'll be all over you. Even if not for the right reasons."

"But how will you get her to agree to such thing?" asked Ken, still perplexed. Lindsay smiled.

"Oh, I have some ideas about these things. Soon we'll have Malory Coles eating candy off your hand," said Lindsay giving off an evil chuckle. After all, Malory loved shopping better than anything and Ken's family's business was a booming, lucrative empire. The perfect match for a girl driven by greed. Then, off in the distance, Lindsay heard the voice of their ballet instructor, Madame Rouge.

"'Linds? Ken! Get over here! Exercise set, vite, vite, vite!"

"Yes, ma'am," Lindsay hollered back before Ken and she shuffled into the room filled with mostly early middle-schoolers.

"Okay, lift me," said Lindsay assuming a braced tiptoe in her ballerina slippers, her arms kept arched tall above her. "And keep your hands as much to yourself as you can, please."

"You got it, babe," said Ken with cheerful professionalism. He hoisted her up in the air.


	2. Secret Deal Part 2

Ken, the perverted strange dirty blonde-haired kid from South Park Middle School, was true to his word to show up at the green acres mall on a sunny Saturday. It would have been the perfect weather for a game of tag, but Lindsay had more important things to do. Namely, bring the spoiled bitch to the shopping mall's famous food court for a blind date.

"Now remember!" Lindsay said to a highly suspicious, not yet blindfolded Malory Coles sporting a cute summer dress. "This guy is very sensitive! He's nervous about dates so remember to keep on your blindfold at all times, okay? You don't want to upset him, now do you?" Lindsay wheedled. Malory set her hand at her hips and glared forcefully at Lindsay.

"It isn't Ken, is it?" Malory asked, bluntly. Lindsay put on her best poker face.

"No, no! Don't be ridiculous!" she said waving a hand although she tugged her hand at her collar to loosen it- a sign of anxiety. There was only one solution to this in her mind. Lie.

"It's… Jordan! Yeah, that's who it is!" Lindsay fibbed.

"Jordan?!" Lindsay repeated the name with fascination. "The last person I might have thought of… but I guess that makes sense. Sort of," Malory said with mere touch less suspicion than before. But she hadn't run yet, and that was a good sign that Lindsay's plan might work after all.

"Yeah, yeah. Now just sit there and make small talk for an hour, 'kay?" Lindsay hurriedly tied the blindfold over Malory's eyes. "Now you wait right here!" Lindsay barked. "Your date and I will be right back!"

"Hm. Well you had better hurry!" Malory complained with a sniff. "My Irish coffee might get cold. I'll need a new one."

"Two seconds!" Lindsay promised before she dove behind a bush.

She popped out on the other side of the shrubby. Ken watched her straighten her posture in silence. Then, when he was really sure it was Lindsay who had suddenly appeared before him, he spoke.

"Well, well, is she here?!" Ken asked with mania. Lindsay grinned at the boy.

"Yup! Now remember the plan! Don't speak at all! You've got laryngitis, remember?"

"Mute as a stone sparrow!" Ken promised. "Anything to be with Malory! But I couldn't bring the cash. I had to borrow my father's credit card instead!"

"Is that really okay?" Lindsay asked, voice laced with doubt.

"Sure it is!" Ken said. "My dad's let me borrow it loads of times, but I have to keep it under 500 dollars!"

"Good enough! Let's go!" Lindsay walked around the bush this time instead of diving through it. She stopped Malory from peeking through her mask by retying it, then pulled out one of the table chairs for Ken to sit in. She bowed Ken to the seat graciously, but with a cheshire cat-like smile.

"Here ya go!" Lindsay declared, proud of yourself. "Your date is here, Malory! He's got laryngitis and he's shy, so you'll have to do all of the talking for him. Which shouldn't be a problem because he's brought money for you to spend." Still wearing maniac smile, Ken held out the credit card for Malory to touch. Her fingertips brushed against the pressed card numbers. Malory gasped. She squealed and placed one of her palms against her cheek.

"Oooh! What are we wasting time here for?! Let's shop!" Malory said snatching the card up and looping her arm into Ken's. As the two stood up on their feet, Lindsay brushed her hands together as if dusting them of an invisible dust.

"Great! If you two are fine, I'll be off!" Lindsay said with glee that her plan was working so well. "There's a little comic book store over there I want to visit!" Lindsay said gesturing her thumb behind her. She rushed off.

"That leaves the two of us!" Malory said with delight. "Let's start with this shop right over there! Will you guide me to it? Why thank you!" she said, battering her eyelashes once. Ken continued to grin. But as Ken reached the clerk at the shop, two hands grabbed him from behind.

"Well, well! If it isn't a orange hooded weirdo!" Mason the bully laughed before shoving Ken into a trashcan. Mason and Jackson laughed a minute before walking away. They left Ken in the can and to his great frustration, it seemed he was not going to get out of the can easily, either. The boy waved his legs in the air in vain. Malory meanwhile, hadn't noticed anything. She was too busy talking to the clerk.

"And I've always wanted one of those, too!" she said out loud. "I'd like one of those also! Ring me out!" Malory chirped with delight. She held up the credit card Ken had brought. The clerk absentmindedly rang up her receipt. Malory went to tuck her arm into Ken's for him to guide her, but her blind-date wasn't the one standing nearest to her. It was someone wearing a teddy bear costume instead. But Malory mistook that person for her date and folded her arm under theirs.

"Oooh! Is that a new coat? It's eccentric for you to wear it indoors, but oh well!" Malory chirped with happy delirium. "Take me across the street to the candy shop, will you… dumpling?" Malory squeezed the teddy arm tightly. Confused, the person in a bear costume obliged. As soon as they succeeded in guiding the blindfolded girl to the candy counter, they ran away.

In the comic book store, Lindsay was reading one of her favorite comic books. She snickered loudly and held her ribs as she grinned. But then she peered out the shop window to see that Malory stood at the candy shop counter alone. Ken had gone missing.

"Yikes!" Lindsay said dropping the comic book in her hand onto the floor. She dashed out of the store empty-handed. She bolted to Malory's side. Just in time, Lindsay stood alongside Malory for the girl to finish her transaction using Ken's borrowed credit card. Malory tucked her arm into Lindsay's and clung on, giggling. Lindsay's eyes whirled around. The situation was bizarre and immensely uncomfortable for her, but she kept silent. She just prayed that Sam or anyone else wouldn't see her and Lindsay like this.

"To the next store, baby!" Lindsay said, flashing a grin. Lindsay flinched at being called "baby", but she obliged Malory to keep up the ruse. She left Malory standing at the counter to a shop which sold hair accessories, bracelets, and other such small trinkets. Then she doubled back because she had spotted what had happened to Ken.

"Oof!" said Malory trying to tug the boy out of the garbage bin. She succeeded but Ken rolled out of the bin with such force that the trash bin tipped to spewed out all over the floor. Ken landed face forward on the concrete floor, while Lindsay herself snapped backwards with such great force she ended up on her rump.

"Ouch. My tailbone!" Lindsay complained rubbing her backside. Ken still lay on the floor. Meanwhile, the real Jordan Black had walked up to Malory to stand at her side. The wealthy black kid whom had joined their class near the end of the second grade had recognized Malory. He might have said hello to his fellow classmate, but instead he puzzled over why the girl was wearing a blindfold at the mall. He was extra startled when Malory Coles lunged for his arm.

"Oh, Jordan!" Malory said, presuming for a moment that the lie Lindsay had told her was right, and which for the moment, ironically was. "Let's go over there for a moment and buy a little cup of tea! And biscotti! They have the best biscotti!"

"S'okay. That's fine with me!" Jordan said. He escorted Malory by arm to the restaurant and bought them both a cup of tea. They sat down.

"Dam it!" Lindsay cursed. "Get in there, Ken! I'll distract Jordan!" Lindsay said pushing Ken forward. Ken looped his arm with Malory's to prompt her to abandon her chair.

"More shopping, darling? Well, I suppose I could use a new sweater for winter!" Malory giggled with delight. Lindsay meanwhile, sat down in the chair Malory had just vacated.

"Uh, is there something 'sup wid her?" the boy asked, but politely. Lindsay gave a nervous, forced laugh.

"No, no! It's nothing!" Lindsay laughed. "I just wanted to ask you a few questions about… junior investing! Yep, you're the junior investor of our class!" Lindsay fibbed in order to be a distraction.

Malory was complacently led to a soft-serve booth in the food court. Rhonda devoured a smooshy vanilla cone, then sat on what was actually a sack of rice on a delivery dolley instead of a chair. The man with the giant under lip pushed the cart along without noticing the stowaway.

"Ooh! Ice Cream service!" Malory delighted. Ken turned back from getting a cone of chocolate soft-serve with sprinkles only to discover that Malory had gone missing. He bit his teeth together in panic.

"You search that way and I'll search this way!" the boy blurted.

"Gotcha!" Lindsay nodded. She pumped her arms as she ran. But try as she might, Malory was to be found neither high nor low. Ken wasn't having much success, either. Passing a payphone, he halted to use it. Ken dialed a number swiftly and spoke into the receiver.

"Lindsay?!" Ken blurted into the payphone receiver. "I can't find Malory my dear, anywhere! Have you found her yet?!" Sam jumped at the voice he heard.

"Stop calling me! This is the wrong number!" the voice of the man with the giant underlip said. "Wait a minute… Malory you said? I know exactly where she is. You'll have to sign for her," the man said. "Where are you?"

"By the payphone," Ken said gnashing his teeth in confusion.

"See you in two," the man said hanging up the phone. Ken was still listening to the dial tone with receiver in hand when a trolley cart loaded with goods and Malory rolled up next to him. The man with the large lip was back. He used one hand to coax Malory to stand up and step away from his cart. Then he thrust a clipboard and pen in Curly's direction. Curly scribbled his name on the board.

"Thanks," Curly said shaking the delivery man's hand.

"Um-huh!" the fishmonger, restaurant chef, and occasional truck delivery man mumbled before going his way. Ken tucked his hand into Malory's. Just then, Lindsay came peeling up to the boy.

"Ken?!" Lindsay blurted out in a panic. "Did you find her?! Oh… oh, hello Malory!" said Lindsay realizing her mistake. She had failed to notice Lindsay in time. She had said Ken's name out loud herself. Malory pried off her blindfold.

"I knew it!" Malory said with victory. "You were trying to fool me, Lindsay!" Malory said, slightly cross. "But no matter! I had the best date ever!" Malory exclaimed. Giddy, she kissed the credit card she had borrowed from Ken. Ken and Lindsay looked at one another, sharing a certain conclusion. Ken snatched his father's credit card back.

"I wanna go on another date sometime!" Malory grinned waving her one free hand over her head. The other hand was loaded with shopping bags. Ken grimaced.

"Well. I dunno, sweetheart," Ken said. "That depends."

"Depends on what?" Malory asked in an innocent voice.

"It depends on whether my dad flips out or mom beats the shit out of me!" Ken said tucking the card into his pocket. Malory grinned.

"Oh, Ken! I only maxed the credit card out! It must have been close to the brink as it was! I only spent about a thousand dollars!" Ken gritted his teeth and clutched his head like he was going to faint.

"Oooh, steady there," Lindsay spoke up for her strange friend as she supported him from collapsing. Then she spoke to Malory.

"Well, friend!" Lindsay told Malory. "Sorry for fooling you but it was the only way. I'm glad things worked out. What's in the bags?"

"Oh, collectible figurines, luxury candies, and a little diamond necklace for myself!" said Malory wiggling her fingers. "Do you want some pralines?"

"Sure!" Lindsay said taking the couple of candies Malory offered. She passed one to a dismal but recovering Ken. Then the three walked out of the shopping mall. Once they were all back in their neighborhood and Malory had parted from them, Lindsay turned to Ken. She scratched her chin.

"So, given up on Malory, huh?" she asked a frowning Ken. But his answer was to surprise her.

"Oh, contraire!" Ken said, although with a tad less passionate energy than usual. "Malory has very expensive tastes, but she is like a gourmet chocolate! Sweet and opulent. But I think I will have to become a moneyed man to be sweet enough for her tastes. It is a new goal!" Ken said punching the air.

"Good luck with that," Lindsay said shaking the odd boy's hand. Then she walked off into the distance. She prowled to a corner where, to her luck, Samuel and Levin were messing around looking at a weird shaped stick.

"Look what we found!" Sam said with delight. "This stick is shaped like United States! Weird like that, huh?" Sam handed the stick to Lindsay.

"You think that's weird?" Levy spoke up. "I found this little pebble here and it's blue and white AND pink in the middle. I think it's some of that igneous rock."

"You mean sedimentary rock," Sam corrected.

"Yeah, yeah," Levy corrected himself. He handed the pebble to Lindsay to look at. She stared at both the things for a moment.

"Want a mint?' Sam offered from a small, white and green cardboard box in his hand. He popped a few candies in his own mouth. Sam then handed the rest of the package to Levy to chow down. The he and Levy began to walk away. Lindsay examined the tiny mint candy given to her, then ate it. Then she glanced down at the useless yet curious objects in her hand. She heaved them to the edge of the sidewalk for some other kid to find.

"Good enough!" Lindsay shrugged before rushing to catch up with the guys. She fell in step behind them. All was right in her world. The end.


End file.
